Its been a while since my first attempt at blogging, largely because of what I am going to talk about.
Having recently made the decision to go back to finish a degree, and then making the decision to stop again, it got me thinking why do we go back to things we stopped doing, or people we stopped wanting to spend time with?
I have come to the conclusion that, with the exception of some circumstances outside our control, we put a stop to these situations because they are broken and not working for us. Why then, do we think it’s ok to go back to whoever or whatever it was? I stopped studying this degree because it was not relevant to where I wanted to go in life and I really did not enjoy it. I restarted this year and it I was at a time not sure if I wanted to continue with my business. I told myself that this degree would open more doors. I ignored the little voice that said ‘you didn’t enjoy it last time, what makes it different this time?’, ‘it will be all time consuming’, ‘its not going to lead you directly anywhere’ and ‘you will feel trapped’, ‘you are not going to want to do this for the next three years’. I had stories to tell myself about each one of these to allow me to ignore them. But guess what – even after all these years I still don’t like studying for those very reasons my little voice said. So I am stopping – again. For me it’s still broken.
I convinced myself that I could handle all of the issues my little voice raised. Does that sound familiar, telling yourself “Its ok I can handle that”? Why? Why do we accept or even choose things we can ‘handle’? Why don’t we choose things we feel excite us? Is it because we think it’s too much of a risk or we will be judged? My answer is I don’t know, because it makes absolutely no sense to do those things we can handle and not those we are excited about. Especially when it is largely about what others, either people close to us or society in general, may think is acceptable or what we should do.
Sure there really are things we need to do that we may not love, but those things tend to be what we really don’t have a choice about. I am talking about doing things we do have a choice about, like this study in my case, or going back to a bad relationship (partner or friend), resigning from a position and then staying because they offer you promises of things to come. In my case the study was taking me away from what I really wanted to be doing, which is writing, because I no longer had the time or mental energy for that. Same thing when you go back to a partner you broke up with, or keep on hanging around with friends who are not good for you, it gets in the way of you finding new friends or a more suitable partner. When you go back the reason it broke in the first place is usually still there, even if it’s not so evident to start with.
Perhaps I need to give my little voice a name, maybe then I will take more notice…George, Susan?? No I think I will just call it Joanne as she is the one I need to listen to.
Til next time…